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So there were these three old-time friends who hadn't seen each in 40 years who meet and converse at their Middle School reunion. They get to talking and reminisce a bit and then ask the first guy how he's doing these days and he says, "I actually made a lot of money in oil and now I'm rich with a big house and a wonderful life" and everyone is like “Wow cool, good for you man, that‘s great.” Then they ask the second guy the same thing and he says, "Well I made a lot of money in the stock market and now I'm very wealthy with a beautiful wife and a yacht among countless other possessions," and everyone says "Wow good for you, great, congratulations, that’s fantastic." Then they ask the third guy the same thing and he says "Well, I'm not rich or anything like that but since Middle School my penis grew really big and long and now 13 crows can stand on it at once," and everyone says, "Oh my Gosh, cool, that's amazing, good for you." Anyway, as the night wears on and they start to drink a bit and get tipsy, the first guy opens up and says "Ya know what, I wasn't completely honest with everyone earlier, I never made a fortune in the oil business, I've actually fallen on some hard times and my life is actually very crappy. I don’t have a big house, I'm flat broke," and everyone is like "Oh wow that's terrible I'm so sorry to hear that," and they console him. So as the night goes on, the drinking continues and inspired by the first guy, the second guy gets up and says, "Ya know, I haven't been completely honest myself, I never made it big in the stock market, and I don't have a yacht or a beautiful wife, I'm actually poor as dirt and my wife is ugly as hell, I'm sorry I lied" and everyone is like "Oh man that sounds terrible, I’m so sorry, that's awful," and they console him. Then, the night is about to come to a close and everyone is pretty drunk at this point and inspired by the first two, the third guy stands up and says, "Ya know, I haven't been completely honest with everyone either, I know I said that since Middle School my penis grew so big that 13 crows could stand on it at once, but in actuality the truth is, that 13th crow....he was only standing on one leg."
I’m not going to mention the name of the team the Lakers are playing in the next round of the NBA playoffs because I don’t want to jinx an inevitable victory in glorious fashion for the Lakes but it’s completely thunderstandable that we should be at least a little scared here. Many people agree that the Lakers have thunderachieved thus far in the playoffs because they nearly lost to a thunderqualified, thundermanned Nuggets team, and Pau Gasol has played like a thunderfed white-skinned Somalian with the rest of the team looking like whiney thundereducated nimrods. Ok first of all, those nimrods are a damn good team and a thundred percent for real. Now with the full cast of characters inspired by World War Metta Peace, they will make the entire league thunderstand that they’re a force to be reckoned with. Secondly, the thunderdog Nuggets should not be thundervalued or thunderestimated in any way shape or form, for they are a fantastic team and are completely thunderappreciated for how hard they fought. Andrew Gynum and Oaw Gasol finally played like the 7 foot 1 inch monstrosities they truly are and proved themselves yet again to be the best big man 1-2 punch there is. The team they play next must be shitting their thunderpants after seeing that performance by those two mammoth beasts. Anyone who lines up against them are thundersized and will be crushed like a bug. Oh and Kobe Bryant puts on a Laker jersey everyday too so that’s chill I guess. Oh man, I can’t wait for this series to get thunderway. If James Hard On tries to thundercut World Peace again while he’s simply trying to run back on defense banging his chest King Kong style, then he will have more brutal hell to pay. The bottom line is, the Lakers are clearly going to win the next series no doubt in my mind. Why?…Because they’re champions, they’ve been there. They’re older and more experienced then their opponents who are nothing but a bunch of thunderaged genetic oddities who would be thunderclassman if they were still in thundergrad. Kobe is the ultimate warrior, and thunderneath his Laker jersey is usually a thundershirt or something, but thunderneath that is a heart that beats for nothing but 4th quarters and clutch victories. So yeah, I’m not going to mention the team the Lakers play in the next round, because they might be good, but even a horrible storm of thunder and lightning can be harmless if you’re wise enough to know how to deal with it. Go Lakers! Michael Sisto
So a man goes into a bar and orders a drink and as he sits down he notices beautiful piano melodies. When he looks to the piano up front to see whose glorious fingers the beautiful number was coming from, he sees no one. He then quickly asks the bartender “Is that one of those pianos that plays by itself?” The barkeep says “No, my little piano player is back there.” Expecting to see the barkeep’s young son or daughter perhaps based on how he said that, the man stands to get a better look and reveal who is playing. To his utter surprise, he sees a tiny man going to town and passionately firing into the keys, feeling it, with his eyes closed. Stunned, the man says “Wow! Awesome! Where did he come from?” The barkeep responds, “I was walking along the beach and came across a lamp. Pretending I was Aladdin or something I rubbed it, and low and behold, next thing u know the little guy appears. Of course, the man is so impressed that the next day he goes to the same beach and finds the lamp! Triumphantly, he rubs it and says, “I wish for a million bucks!” All of a sudden, lightning strikes and thousands and thousands of ducks start falling from the sky in a bizarre, feathery scene of madness. The guy is of course furious so he goes back to the bar, storms up to the bartender, and says “Hey bro, what the hell? The bartender says, “You think I asked for a 14 inch pianist?”
A man goes to the Doctor complaining of a possuble hemorroid and the Doctor says "Okay I need a urine sample, a stool sample, a semen sample, a blood sample and a sample of the hemorroid." After hearing this, the man swiftly takes off his underpants and hands them to the Doctor.
So I meet this girl at a bar last weekend, and after drinking heavily for a few hours, proceed to go back to her place. Pretty awesome?…Yes. Well we start messing around or whatever and things were grand but when it bumped up a notch and push came to shove, I simply couldn’t rise to the occasion, if you know what I mean. I just couldn’t get a full mast. My little general wouldn't stand at attention. Say what you want, but that shit happens, it’s not just me. She says, “Ooohhh you’ve got whiskey dick.” Okay, clearly what she said shouldn’t have pissed me off so bad but it definitely did. I had heard that term multiple times before and hated it with a fiery passion. “What? That’s bullshit” I screamed. “I hate whiskey! How dare you accuse me of that!” And she’s like, “uh uh I…uh, but, uh.” You see, ever since the first time I drank whisky I swore that shit off, one and done. It was actually probably the first time I ever got shitty back in the day, and boy did I ever…get shitty. Until then, I had never drank any hard alcohol in my life and had only gotten a few light buzzes from beer in the past that, at the time, I assumed to be full fledged drunkenness, but apparently, I had no idea. Needless to say, a grasp of how much hard A it took to drunken me was definitely not obtained by that point, and coupled with how surprised I was to see that jack and coke tastes exactly like coke, it was clearly not a solid combination by any means. “Yeah pour me another!” I yelled as my moron friend, who was just as oblivious as I, poured my 10th cup of generously prepared tall jack and cokes in the first 15 minutes of our “Night of boozing.” The fact that whisky takes a minute to hit you and comes on slow didn’t bode well either as it ended up striking me like a cowboy boot to the balls a mere 3 minutes after my last cup. Previously my tolerance had been so low that I got wasted in the market just watching my older brother buy the God dam bottle earlier that day, so as you can imagine, I wasn’t doing too well. I blacked out hardcore pretty immediately and woke up the next morning next to a guy named Miracle bleeding from the back of my head and nipples with a sore asshole. I mean, no, wait, what? Geez that was weird, I didn’t mean to…ya know, say that. Anyway, I blacked out for at least a day, and after getting two full night sleeps, I was still drunk the third day and the apocalyptic hangover on the fourth day was borderline the worst thing ever. I probably did get poisoned alcoholically and definitely should have gone to the hospital but all in all, I did survive, so that's dece. You understand I hate whiskey, so why does the phrase have to be “whisky dick?” Other drinks will drive you to lake flaccid as well. Why can't we use another beverage? Doseques dick, how bout that? That’s sounds surprisingly awesome. Smirnoff dick, a little weird but would certainly work. Gin dick, that’s fun to say, gin dick, gin dick, gin dick. Wine dick, its like, would you like some cheese with that wine…dick. That makes sense I swear. Beer dick, fantastic, Brandy dick, cool. Captain Morgan’s dick, awesome…actually no, that would sound pretty gay I’m realizing now…um okay, let’s see, Mikes Hard d…no, that would be clearly worse…uh…Wild Turkey’s dick…no, come on, we don’t need…any bestiality. Um, Jesus…okay let me think here…Beefeater di…No! Okay, ya know what, I’m obviously not thinking clearly right now, I’ll come up with a more heterosexual name later but for now I guess I’ll just call it like whisky dick or something…ya that sounds good, whisky dick it is.…………………Dammit! No!
Uninvaluable Tips for Men If you want to save money on buying shampoo…shave your head. Don’t eat Doritos while chewing bubble gum…just because it sounds like a good combination doesn’t mean it is one. That goes for ketchup in milk as well. Don’t rock out with your cock out and expect to drop trou and plow, but if she’s gonna dine out with her gine out then whip out your pound and go to town. If you ask a tall person to get something for you off a shelf, don’t be surprised when they ask you to pick something off the floor for them. Don’t blow ass in front of a beautiful woman and say, “It was you, actually who am I kidding, it was me, actually no, it was definitely you, ew gross, how dare you, that’s disgusting you filthy whore.”Don’t throw a rock at your TV screen when your favorite sports team loses a big game. Smashing the TV with a baseball bat is much safer then dangerously throwing a rock If a female friend of yours comes to you about an embarrassing problem she’s having and says “What should I do about my yeast infection?” Don’t say, “Jesus! I don’t know! Bake some bread or something, God damn, get away from me!” Don’t get eaten by a dog, wild or tamed, for it’ll easily be one of the worst experiences of your life. If you plan on drinking 12 milkshakes one day, make sure you don’t eat or drink anything for 12 days prior to eventually make up for it. If you meet someone who looks like Mr. Potato head, don’t attempt to rearrange his limbs…it’s his face you should rearrange. Don’t say, “My favorite show of all time is Seinfeld…actually it’s Martin.” Saying something like that simply doesn’t bode well by any means. It’s probably not a good call to break into your boss’s house one night while he’s sleeping and demand a raise or else you’re gonna rape his daughter…and or his son for that matter. Don’t eat a spoonful of mashed potatoes then take a shot or gravy, instead, pour the gravy on the mashed potatoes and enjoy, it’s much healthier this way.
So a few buddies and I hit up this local party the other night which was nothing short of a hilariously good time. In traditional fashion, we pre gamed in the parking lot just before storming in which is customary. Then when we were nice and loose and way ahead of the boozing pace…we head in. Knowing damn well that I have a tendency to get way too fired up and carried away pre gaming before certain events I was admittedly much drunker then I anticipated getting. As we survey the scene upon arrival, we notice a solid crowd going strong as we search for familiar faces. Then I see him…a large black man standing nearly 7 feet with muscles bursting out of his chest and a perfect head of hair. I knew immediately that it was Sammy Severe. I excitedly tell my buddies that we were among a celebrity and pointed to the hulking battle axe of a man. My friends definitely looked at me like I was nutso and clearly wondered what the hell I was talking about. I quickly explained to them that Sammy Severe is an underrated porn actor who had starred in such classics as Lawrence of Alabia, Lake Flaccid, Gonorrhea in 60 seconds, Independence Gay, Planet of the Rapes, The Penis, Children of the Porn, Savoring Ryan’s Privates, and Welcome to the Grundle. I explained to them that he’s packing a monster slayer down there and exuberantly pointed out the enormous bulge and cone-shaped outline in his jeans running down his leg. Surprisingly, my idiot friends were less concerned about his glorious presence and chose to concentrate on some of the names of his movies instead. “The Penis? What kind of name for a porn flick is that?” I unenthusiastically explained that the name “The Penis” had derived from the classic Oscar winning masterpiece “The Pianist“ starring Adrien Brody and that they were missing the point of the whole encounter. Then, before I could rattle off some of Sammy Severe‘s awards and accomplishments he‘s received for his work and schedule for upcoming movie appearances, my friend says, “Welcome to the Grundle, what does that mean? What‘s a grundle?” I was stunned and couldn’t believe he called himself my friend and would ask an absurd question like that. I unwillingly and unpleasantly explained to him that a man’s grundle is quite obviously the rarely traversed area between your asshole and your ballsac, and they again looked at me like I was crazy. My agitation continued to escalate of course and I fired back, “You know, your grundle! Also known as your gooch, chode, taint, peterson, chuckle, grissle, your mulch blotch, chimi chonga, cabbage farm, your stanglemeyer, your chowder patch, your steam bog, ya know…your GRUNDLE!!” Everyone around me fell silent due to my abrasive instruction that had apparently gotten out of hand and was mistaken for an overwhelmingly threatening display. People started to back away from me slowly including my “buddies” who had been the cause for this scene of commotion in the first place. Then as I made eye contact as they retreated in terror, I realized that these weren’t my buddies at all, and as I looked around I couldn’t see or find them anywhere. Then I remembered that my friends said they couldn’t go out that night and that I would have to fly solo if I really wanted to go to the party. Man, what a crazy night…let the good times roll.